How does goal-oriented sex shift the whole experience?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 15,340
    Relationship expert Chris Wright explains how goal-oriented sex can shift the whole experience.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: How does goal oriented sex shift the whole experience?

    Speaker: So, your focus now has started to become on a goal getting her turned on, not it merely moves it out of pure lovemaking, you are trying to engage each other in a way that will trigger these imprinted energies that release. So, much pleasurable feelings that gets you turned on, gets you sexually excited. So, there is no innocence any longer into the connection of the real energies so that they are there overshadowed by all this doing and all this activity and so it also by establishing the goal that also sets up inherent pressures, that make it now even harder to move up into the lovemaking pressures. They cause any kind of pressure during lovemaking, causes consciousness to contract, even subtle pressures causes you to be little vigilant in contrite that these pressures kill the innocence, they kill lovemaking, there is no will to stay purely present, unto that you can relax into your awareness and fully experience the moment, its pristine value. For men there maybe little different, the pressures then they are for woman. For men again they are the navigator, there the one who is supposed to turn the woman on and so they got a job to do and the more turned on she is, the better lover I am. So, this goal or intentions sets up an incredible amount of pressure, expectations he puts on himself, that he has to be good lover and he has to turn her on. So, any kind of expectation inside, any kind of pressure like that, it is going to -- just even if it is a subtle pressure, it will just through him off his coordination. So he is not fully as connected to himself, not fully in the now, not fully present with the partner. It can actually trigger so much pressure that for a man it could even have a difficulty with interaction and for most people impotency when it is not physiologically based it is emotionally based that there is simply too much pressure that the person is carrying on inside and that is what throwing them off their natural rhythm.

    Even a premature ejaculation comes from coming into the situation way too could sexually loaded, way too many needs showing up, pressure is showing up with all of that it overtakes the whole experience, they are no longer connected to you. They are overwhelmed by the imagination, the anticipation that is and so highly aroused so that can t be present, they can t fully experience, they are overloaded with so much pressure of their own. Emotional needs, same thing whenever a person is emotionally needy in sex they can t be connected to you, it is all coming into the need overshadows the whole experience. Sexual need can do the same, a man is really sexually needy sex, that need again overtakes the whole innocence of the moment and it even can develop into a sort of an aggressiveness, entitlement of ticking here, pinching here grabbing, there pushing there, so that there is no sense of attuning to the unfoldment of lovemaking that goes on and so all these things in lovemaking it doesn t show up, you do not see that kind of pressure what people learn to do pure lovemaking, you do not see premature ejaculation becoming a problem you do not see that sense of unable to get an erection when you fully can relax into the now, connect to what you really experiencing, attune to your partner, it all flows effortlessly, moves in to these more refined energies and more fulfilling experience together.

    Pressure is also there with the woman experience. There is a sense with woman from an early age that they want to be a turn on for man, they want to please the man, they want him to feel like they are good lover and all that creates a subtle pressure in the woman. I guess it party stays up in her head, how am I doing, how is it going here should I do this, do I need to do this? All that will gets in the way of her just completely relaxing into the experience merging into the moment by moment unfoldment of these energies. The whole pace that can be affected for men because there is a sense of wanting to get the woman turned on, it affects his pace he wants to really get things moving, let us get it up and go on here let us go for the gusto when she is hot and turned on that is the goal, so let me start really pushing forward he start to have the sense of going with where the payoff is doing this, let us go to this, let us go to this because that is where he gets the big payoff, these are things that do not give him much of the payoff. So, he tends to skip them and goes right to arousal zones and merely aggressively try to turn her on, merely again takes him out of the now, he is not present with each moment by moment experience and for the woman it puts a pressure on her to try to keep up, to try to stay present with what is happening and it is not easy to do because it is going so fast, he is trying to get me turned on, I want to be responsive to his needs. For some women it develops a lack of coordination, so they start unable to really lubricate fully and so it becomes a difficulty for them. In lovemaking, pure lovemaking where there is no pressure at all lubrication isn t a problem even for woman who have been through menopause, the sense of really feeling emotionally safe and can really relax and when you do, your body responds just like with the man. So, with woman there is a sense of expectation, trying to be a good lover, trying to turn him on, trying to be responsive in the ways that he wants to, all that creates a doing an activity that overshadows the sublime, the innocence of just letting go into the experience, merging into the experience, letting that connect to the core of your being and reverberate out, that is the woman s nature, that is how the woman makes love but these pressures tend to throw her out of that. So, any kind of pressures you feel in the relationship sexually, that are going to make it even now harder and they tend to come from having this mutual understanding that there is a goal here, that I need to get you turned on and you as a woman are responding that I need to be a good turn on and all that provides so much activity, the whole thing becomes a big production, a performance and misses overshadows something far richer that is available.