If I don’t agree how can I validate my partner?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 9,877
    Chris Wright talks about validating.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: If I don t agree, how can I validate my partner?

    Chris Wright: If you don t agree it, you are right, it seems like How could I validate their point of view they are the one who have is the problem, but personally now we understand that, each of us have a separate operating system. So, our realities are completely different. So just because I have this one reality doesn t mean that your way of looking at things is wrong. They actually coexist, both operating systems, both realities can exist at the same time, each one is a narrow vantage point, feels natural to me, but it doesn t mean that yours is wrong simply because mine is important to me.

    It does not even mean that mine is superior than yours, even though the person who has the more assertive or aggressive personality, the person who wears the pants in the family, they tend to assert their reality over the others. But the truth is it is important to recognize that both worlds are valid. So what allows me to live from that is, it s easy to validate your point of view, because I clearly understand your world now, I clearly understand how you prioritize your values and what you do and what you don t and I understand why, what are the insecurities, what the pressure are that you can not afford.

    So it makes it much easier now for me to be able to step in your shoes and validate your point of view. Remember the example in the kitchen where let s say my wife comes in who is a perfectionist and points out that there is a water on the counter, well, I can validate that if I was a one, if I was in your shoes, broad up the way shoes broad up, I would be upset by that too. That mean I agree with it, I still think its not, but I understand it, there is a little pressure. Well I have my pressures too. What do my pressures that account for why I didn t respond, why did not I raise my bar high enough. So understanding all these dynamics makes a huge difference.

    It also provides the platform because I understand and I can validate, I can now look ahead and see for solutions in the future, so that both needs are honored, because I understand it. What people typically do is that, when I have an argument, I am really arguing in my point of view, my reality and the solutions that I am trying to legislate in this relationship reflect my needs, not yours and boy that creates problems. Because you can hear it, you can feel it that yours are not taken into account. So it s important that I would be able to validate and if I can to put myself there to really go through the exercise of validating it, so that I do recognize what your needs and pressures are, so that the solutions work for both of us.

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