What if what I want in a conflict doesn’t seem over the top?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 8,049
    Chris Wright talks about not seeming over the top.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: What if what I want in a conflict doesn t seem over the top? Chris Wright: When you are in a conflict, what you want may not be over the top, and there are lot of times, you may be right on, but I would want to ask you is, why does that really matter? I mean, ask yourself, why is this so important? I mean a lot of couples end up fighting about things, but on the surface don t look important at all. It s like why is that such a big deal. They can t even remember what started the conflict. But these things can feel important to them, you add in the big scheme of things, I mean, there s people on the planet right now, who don t even have shelter, or haven t eaten in days, and yet here we are arguing about these things. So is this really just my ego needs or is this really important? Usually, it s about our ego needs being met, and that s why we fight to the death. Because for us not to have that need met, even if it seems superficial on the surface, it s connected to something very fragile, very scary inside and emptiness that is like an ego death. And so we fight very strongly to get that need met. So it can make all the difference to us, and that s why we take a strong stand and so because that need sort of shapes our whole reality, it can be very difficult for people to have to sense that and being over the top, that when I am asking for is really out of balance, I mean, it just seems so natural to me. Remember in the television series, Wife Swap, when their spouses changed families, I mean, they were completely righteous about how the other family was so destructive. And so it s very difficult to talk people out of these realities, but -- so it s helpful to be able to have the sense, to be able to see more objectively, how these pressures influence my reality, so I could be more self- aware and interacting in trying to get my needs met rather than being righteous.

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