What should we do when our needs conflict?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 9,565
    Chris Wright talks about conflicting needs.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: What happens when our needs clash?

    Chris Wright, M.

    A.

    : When these fundamental core personality needs clash, people get really threatened. Remember now, our endless relationship at our commitment to being responsive to each others needs, we recognize that, that is the basis of our fulfillment, our happiness together. In many ways it determines the success of this relationship, and so when these needs, when these needs do clash, when they collide, when they conflict, boy, it can threaten your whole reality.

    I mean, it can really create a lot of agitation inside and we saw previously from the show Wife Swap where wives when they were put in completely different environments, how much aggravation they went through, I mean, the whole show, the television shows heated confrontations throughout because what happens is when these needs aren t met, people start blaming, get angry, accusing and difficulty is that, it then makes it worst, it makes it harder to respond, to adjust your bar to meet your partner s needs.

    So, when somebody is accusing me or making me wrong, I start to become defensive, I start to I get sucked down this channel of my own emptiness and I start feeling angry back and I start getting a sense of righteousness about my world and how you do not get it and how wrong you are and I get hardened, and I get rigid so, whatever changes you are looking from me to be more responsive to your needs, it is going the opposite direction. I am not even wanting to respond to your needs, by the way you are dealing with me. So, how you communicate these needs, how you respond to each other, if it is not honoring, it can cause the person actually the That is the problem, people get stuck. They get so defensive, they get stuck and yet the very thing that people need is to expand out of their narrow reference point and expand and see it from a fresh point of view, a broader point of view. Again, on the show Wife Swap , you could see that each of the families goes so narrow in the way that they turpitude reality and that it gave them an opportunity, when they exchanged to another family, they see a whole different perspective on it and so that they could come out of the experience from a much broader angle now, seeing more clearly about how maybe we were over the top in certain areas, and so it is too in our relationship as well, when we clash, it is an opportunity for us, both to expand out of our narrow reference point, which is a trap, it is too narrow and start seeing it from a broader point of view, that is important. That is how we grow as human beings but if we do not communicate in a way that is honoring of each other s world it tends to exacerbate, we get even more stuck in out world, more righteous in our world. So, clearly we need to learn frameworks and tools that enable us to speak in a way that in a way shows emotional support for each other to make these necessary changes.

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