When something is bothering me, how do I get someone to change?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 9,444
    Chris Wright talks about getting someone to change.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: When something is bothering me, how do I get someone to change?

    Chris Wright: When something is bothering you, what s necessary is to create emotional safety so that they can stretch, they can grow, they can learn to adjust their bar to meet your needs. So, whenever I am triggered, whenever my partner has done something that brings up tension for me, I want to create a framework that establishes enough emotional safety together that we can both discover what s this really about, what s really going on here, what accounts for the pressures inside each of us. This shows up as a conflict.

    So, from my side, I want the framework to allow me to really share and discover what this is about for me. What does this bother me so much. I know that there is some other person on the planet who is in the same situation it wouldn t trigger them. So what are the insecurities, what accounts for the brittleness inside of me? Then I want to create even more safer for you to discover, what s going on for you, what are the pressures inside you that give rise to what showed up you how come you weren t more aware, more sensitive or more proactive. Truly, there must be some pressures going on. Anything that, everything that everybody does all the time, I am going to suggest come from a response to these needs, these pressures inside them, so there are never a neutral. If I am wanting my partner to do something and there are not doing it, it s because there is other needs, other pressures that are stronger inside of them that are overshadowing what I wanted and so I want to create a framework, a heart felt conversation that makes it safe for them to discover, well, what are those pressures that are getting in the way of you meeting my needs, or creating this conflict. Those pressures may be within yourself, we want to find out what they are, they may come from the environment, we need to find out of those things going out in the outer world that are getting in the way and those pressures may be coming from me that you may feel that I am too judgmental or too critical or coming on too strong and that s creating some resistance for you, whatever they are I want to create safety so these can emerge. Finding out what it s really about, that s where the power is, that s where the possibility for change, not the excuses we give each other, not the rationalizations for what we are doing, that s on the surface that something always deeper that s going inside. If I am criticizing you, if I am shaming you, if I making you wrong, it s not a framework of emotional safety for you to explore these areas, to expose these vulnerable areas inside yourself so, then you do give me the excuses or you shut down. In both cases we lose and so, I want to take advantage of these situations, so that we actually get results so that ends up where both of our needs are being more fully met from having this conversation.

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