Why does lovemaking seem to change over time to just sex in a marriage?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 15,534
    Relationship expert Chris Wright explains why lovemaking seems to change over time to just sex in a marriage.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: Why does lovemaking seem to change over time and become just sex in a marriage?

    Chris Wright: Over time in a relationship, lovemaking can start to turn into more and more into just sex. There is primary for this. When we first fall in love someone where the source of the pleasure is coming from the love that is generating the experience, it is not so much focused on sex and so what happens is, is that when couple gets married and over time, as they goes through the honeymoon phase, so to speak and it starts becoming more emotional distance and realities sets in.

    There seems to be less loving energies that were freely expressed in the relationship and so when this less loving energy is there, and is present in lovemaking, the experience start devolving and going down the range towards just pure physical sex and so what couples tend to do is, they start to rely on their imagination, to give it meaning, to give it richness. They start to focus on triggering highly charged, highly pleasurably charged erotic and romantic fantasy substitutes, imagining imprinted energies, desires, needs that it becomes sexualized growing up that when you trigger those it releases a lot of those pleasure inside.

    So, the focus starts to become more on what we call getting each other turned on. These are turn-on s that we have in each of us. When you do those things that turn me on, they trigger these memories, they trigger these imprinted energies and bring up a lot of pleasure for me and that is why they are called turn-on. Each of us has different set of turn-on s. One thing might turn you on, is not much of a turn on for me. I do not have a charged energy associated with that need or that image.

    Many woman tend to have different kinds of turn ons. The masculine energy tends to be more visually, more erotically oriented and so certain ways that you look or what you wear, let s us put on a video, or let us do this or have you do that are highly charged erotically for the man and create an create a tremendous amount of pleasure for a man and for a woman it might be more romantic oriented, love oriented.

    When you do certain things that make me feel like you care about me, you are romancing me, that it triggers those archetypes, those imprints and makes me feel loved. Women need to have some sense of some semblance of love and caring for them to be able to project a fantasy bond on to the act, that a just pure physical sex alone probably would not be as meaningful for a woman. So she needs to project on to them some sense of a love or romantic connection that you could stimulate.

    But the difficulty is, is that when sex starts the becoming sex is when we starts focusing on these turn on s and as soon as we starts focusing on the turn on s then we are no longer really making love.