Chris WrightChris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world. He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada. Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas. He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs. As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace. He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.
Host: What is the third principle for conscious conflict resolution?
Chris Wright: The third principle in conscious conflict resolution is to take responsibility in a conflict both of you. I mean in your relationship imagine that every time there is tension that comes after a conflict emerges that each of you takes a 100% responsibility for the conflict. After all if you didn t do something there wouldn t be any conflict or if you didn t have that need there wouldn t be a conflict, so each of you could take a 100% and in fact I my marriage I want as both to always have an attitude of taking the 100% responsibility, whenever tensions emerge in the relationship, it makes all the difference. So, the way it would look could be, let s say that there is something that I did triggered to my partner triggered you as my partner and I recognize that before this series you wouldn t recognize that there are different operating systems, I mean you were all the same and why wouldn t you know. So, it could be difficult to take responsibility because you shouldn t know and it s your fault that s happening. But now that I understand that we have different operating systems and you have different pressures, different needs and not make sense to me. So, it makes it easier for me to take responsibility in that situation.
So, you mattered me I triggered you, I can own that I can recognize that I didn t raise my bars as high as you needed, the truth in my world I know where my bar was fine. It is good enough and that there are other woman I could be with in that let s say my bar was fine, but I recognize and I will take responsibility that it didn t meet your needs and that s important, that there is somebody else in the same situation, somebody is on the planet who would have known, who would have been more sensitive, who would have been more flexible, who would have been more responsive and I didn t and so I can own that 100%, I can take complete responsibility for that and if I had done that, we wouldn t be having this conflict, so I can own that, that s fine, but it doesn t mean that I am agreeing with what you want. My owning and taking responsibility for it, I am just laying down the foundation for us stand to be able to discuss, alright what s going to be a solution, let s go and take in to account both of our needs, both of our needs matter here, so I am just taking responsibility of what happened because indeed, I did do something and it did generate tension in you. On your side you can take a 100% responsibility as well, you realize now with these different operating system that what s you are wanting, where the tension is coming from, is from some insecurities, some pressures inside you and that If you didn t have these needs, if you didn t have these pressures, that we wouldn t be having in a conflict. As much as it seems so real to you, you can not realize that there is somebody on the planet in that same situation who wouldn t have been upset, who wouldn t have needed that, but you did and so it s important that you take a 100% responsibility, that these are your needs and that these needs come from areas inside of you, where you are not meeting that need and that s why that is so important to you. It s also important that you take responsibility for how you communicate those needs, so that you see that how you communicate in a large part determines how successful we are and adjusting our bar to meet that need. Also, I want you to take responsibility to the sense that when you are over the top in the expecting that need that you recognize that, instead of it, just assuming that you are right and that I am wrong. When you recognize in own and take responsibility for your part in this, then what s there to argue about, what s there to fight about. So, it s important for both of us, if we are going to work together that and meet each others needs that if we take responsibility for what shows up that creates tension in this relationship, so that we can now focus on what is the solutions, what s going to make it work, so both of our needs or honored.