5th Principle: Both Person’s Needs Matter!

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 10,806
    Chris Wright talks about people’s needs.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: What is the fifth principle for conscious conflict resolution?

    Chris Wright: The fifth basic principle in conscious conflict resolution is, both needs matters, both of your needs are important, they both matter in the relationship. Usually it s not that way, usually in a relationship as you move through a honeymoon phase, you start to have this sense of lobbying for your needs. So that is what becomes important and you can tell that and in the argument you can sense that the with the other person is not at all been honoring of my needs, they are only looking out for themselves and that makes us even more for having to fight to get our needs across to the partner. So the question is, Why are your needs more important than mine? Why are your pressures more important then mine? Why are mine more important than yours? The truth is we made a commitment to be a team, when we committed to being life partners, the whole commitment is based on that your wellbeing and your needs are as important as mine, that I am going to put as much attention on taking care of your wellbeing and your needs as I am to mine and you are the same way. That is what makes us as a team that is what vow towards each other is. That is really the basis of the successful relationship, because I know want your need to be met, these deep core personally needs, so that you feel happy and fulfilled, so your heart stays open. We do not want to have that to fight for our needs in the relationship, not understanding these different operating systems; it did not make sense your needs. So of course I would try to get mine in there and fight, but now I understand you have a coherent set distinct set of needs and that all makes sense to me now. So whenever we sit down, when there is any pressure or tension, we want to have a heartfelt conversation o, right from the beginning the frame is, how can we make this work for both of us, there is no reason to argue, there is no reason for any -- either of us to start becoming aggressive, to try to get No, my needs are most important. No, both needs matter and so when we have that frame of reference, our whole orientation now is to find creative ways, very creative ways that would work for you and work for me. Changes the whole relationship when you come to it, always having a sense of security and trust that both of us come from, both needs matter.

    Videos in this Series