6th Principle: Is This the Setting to Really Resolve This?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 8,884
    Chris Wright talks about the setting.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: What are the six principles for conscious conflict resolution?

    Chris Wright:The six basic principles in conscious conflict resolution are, is this really the best time and place to resolve this. This is important, this is key. Whenever somebody triggers me, let s say my partner triggers me, the first thought in my mind, is this the most effective time and place, to really resolve this, so that my needs get responded too and met, that s key And most of the time it is not. I realize that I have an opportunity to choose whether it is or not, I can see how if it really matters to me. I really want to sit the person down and have a heartfelt conversation, one that really has an impact on them. So, they really get what this is about, so we get results out of it that will be important for me. It may be that it is the time, but at least now I have new distinction, that I can choose as to whether it is not. The reason I can have that distinction is because the tools that we teach, that create the emotional safety for me to share my needs, What it is like to be in my shoes are so clean that it really allows a person to stay open and have a major impact. So, now knowing that I can get through to my partner, that I can really have an impact, I want to think, do I want to say this is a walking into his office party, something that bugged me, do I want to say this -- in a situation where we really can t resolve it. I am glad to have that distinction. Here is how it breaks down, here is how it works. When my partner does something that triggers me, it brings up agitation, it brings up frustration, it hurts my feelings and all that tensions comes up And it is like biologically, what happens is it builds up pressure inside. Similar to the balder, a sense to body expands to this pressure and you can feel this pressure, this need biologically to discharge it. To discharge this excess of toxic energy, so they speak. So, there gets this is a kind umm! I am wanting to say you, grrrhhhh, because you triggered me. So, ends up having is, a lot of the reasons that I am saying at right now is simply the vent, to get it of my chest, because the pressure built up so much inside. It s not because that really an effective time or place, to really get the kind of results I am looking for. The second reason I trying to bring it out, that the pressure builds up, is that there a sense inside, if I am feeling this much of discomfort I want you to feel this much discomfort. So, I am going to get you to experience what you did to me in a way. So, I am just sort of sense of dumping my tension, and so you too, you can feel as uncomfortable as I am feeling. Both are understandable, but the truth is that what happens, when the partner feels dumped on ,with this tension coming out him, where they are being blamed, shamed or criticized. People have amazing effectiveness and ability to become defensive and put up a wall and it does not actually go in, it does not have an impact. Thus for years, married couples have been arguing about certain things and it never has changed the person at all. Never went in, that they have the ability to put up a wall, a ding-ding and it never really affects them. So, if this is an important item to me. I would not interact in a way that creates emotional safety that I can monitor to make sure that you are staying open. So, this is actually having an impact on you what I am sharing in heartfelt way, so you really get it, so that we can come up with solutions that taking account, how important this is for me. So that becomes bases for deciding now, is this the right time or not, and knowing that I have an alternative, I have frame works and we do have good time and place, but I can share these. That makes a difference for me. It may be that I do not bring upright now, but that will have the maximum impact. But now at least I have a distinction, so I can decide. What that means is if it is not going to be the best or most effective time, that a lot of times I have to bite my time and frankly that is good for lot of relationships, if your partner will just breathe, just attentive to their well being, whatever they need to protect the space and then deal with it when it is the time to effective to do so, that can make all the difference in getting the kind of result that you want.

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