7th Principle: You’re Not Entitled to Freely Dump Your Tensions

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 10,244
    Chris Wright talks about freely dumping feelings.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: What is the seventh principle for conscious conflict resolution?

    Chris Wright: The seventh and final basic principle for conscious conflict resolution is; you are not entitled to dump your tensions into your partner s space. This is really important, it is human that we have frustrations come up, tensions come up, pressures built up, but it does not mean that you can just take them out on people wherever you are. It is similar biologically to the bladder, I mean the body can only handle so much pressure, but we have to learn to manage those pressures and we have to setup frame works for relieving those pressures that are healthy and safe, you can not just go wherever you want.

    So any time you get angry or upset or your feelings get hurt or you are feeling stressed out or tensed that is fine, but we need to established a positive frame work, a structure for resolving that tension together, so what that means is, if either one of us, triggers each other or stressed out or tensed, we have two options here, one option would be let s move into a frame work, let s create a structure, a positive structure, let s use tools for resolving what just came up, as we move into the tool section, we are going review the range of tools that we could choose, for processing through this together as a team.

    The second option is, if you do not want to use tools is that fine, but you can not keep putting the tension into the space. You have to either leave and go workout or go for walk or go get on the computer or go downstairs and watch T.

    V, but you have to protect the space here, for your partner and for the kids. There is no excuse for putting tension out into the space. If you did not have frameworks and we have not, if you did not have bathrooms, if you did not have positive structures for resolving it, then you have no other way to get it out, to deal with it, so it makes sense.

    But now as you learn these tools, you will see that there is no excuse for it now. What is the alternative? The alternative is every time you get upset, you feel like you can just freely express it onto whoever is around you, your partner, your kids. It is destructive, it is not honoring, it is going to back fire, it is going to over time people have to put up a wall around their hearts around you, because you can not take responsibility for working through your pressures, your tensions, your stress, in a frame work that resolves it in a way that is healthy for every body. So that becomes important for us all to learn frameworks to resolve our tensions, because we are not just entitled to freely complain, blame, shame, argue just because we are full of pressure. It s okay we are full of pressure, but we need to learn frame works for resolving it in a healthy way.

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