How does erotic sex become a problem?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 13,116
    Relationship expert Chris Wright talks about how erotic sex can become a problem.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host:Where do Turn On s come from?

    Chris Wright: Both Turn On's and Turn Off s comes from experience, needs, conditioning that we have that begin in childhood around sex and around intimacy that leave a lasting impression, that burning certain images or experiences into us and they stay and then they become what we think of is a Turn On's or Turn Off s .

    Turn Off s are obviously, they are easy to identify. These are experiences that have come up from traumatic experiences that the person had maybe growing up in somewhere or the other or they could come from negative conditioning. Certain things are dirty or bad or you should not do those. So, they becomes highly charged and they still live in the adult person and when stimulated they can be easily triggered and bring up that original feeling. Turn On's are the exact opposites. Turn On's are images, experiences, feeling that we have in growing up and into add lessons into adulthood, that leave a highly charged pleasurable feeling and deeply sense of any bliss, one of the experience that needs for intimacy for touch, for closeness that somehow becomes sexualized and so those associations now become the basis of our fantasies and desires and things that we call Turn On's .

    The problem is that when we are listing these Turn On's or these Turn Off s , immediately the energies starts to be, that dominates the experiences coming from these imprinted energies. It is no longer coming from our connections with our partner. We are no longer present really in the now, experiencing each moment with our partner, instead we are engaged with these imprinted energies that are coming up. They consume the whole experience they overshadow the whole experience.

    They take you out of the innocence in the moment with your partner. With Turn Off s it is very obvious to see, when you trigger a person s Turn Off , when you trigger some traumatic experience, maybe they were sexually abused in some way as a child and if you trigger that in lovemaking immediately those energies come over and take over the person. They are living something that happened a long time ago, right now as if it is real and the disgust or the fear or the pain that is coming up is coming from their past, it is not coming from their present. It is producing an overlay that somehow now taking the person out of being present and innocent in their connection in the moment. Same thing happens with Turn On's when you trigger these Turn On's as pleasurable they maybe again what they do is they consume your consciousness, they immediately overshadow you so that the pleasure that is coming up isn t coming from the innocence of the connection, it is coming from what you stimulated inside the person.

    But true lovemaking occurs in the present, it does not occur from triggering things from your past. It requires that you be present that you be innocent, that completely open in the moment with your partner where you can then release these love energies and let those love energies generate the experience rather than relying on triggering Turn On's or Turn Off s from her past