How does goal-oriented sex limit the ecstatic experience?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 10,635
    Relationship expert Chris Wright talks about how goal-oriented sex limits the ecstatic experience.

    Chris Wright

    Chris Wright is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.  He sees clients in the Washington, D.C. area and has telephone clients from all over the world.  He also has over 35 years of experience as a trainer and workshop leader in human and organizational development across the U.S. and Canada.   Chris was founder and director of the Human Relations Institute in Houston, Texas.  He was also the Director of PAIRS International -- training psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists in couple’s skills programs.     As an innovator in the field, he has developed a unique blend of tools that increase the effectiveness in relationships -- for couples and in the workplace.  He has Masters Degrees from the University of Arizona and Antioch University in Los Angeles.

    Host: How does goal oriented sex shift the whole experience?

    Chris Wright: So, when you focus now that starts to become on a goal, getting you turned on, that immediately moves it out of pure love making, you are trying to engage each other in a way that will trigger these imprinted energies that release so much pleasurable feelings, that gets you turned on, gets you sexually excited, so there is no innocence any longer into the connection of the real energies that are there, they are overshadowed by all this doing and all this activity. So it also by establishing the goal that also sets up inherent pressures that make it now even harder to move up into the lovemaking. Pressures, they cause any kind of pressure during lovemaking, cause consciousness to contract, even subtle pressures cause you to be little vigilant and contract. These pressures kill the innocence, they kill lovemaking, there is no will to stay purely present, until that you can relax into your awareness and fully experience the moment, and it s pristine value. For men they maybe little different, the pressures than they are for woman For men, again, they are the navigator, they are the one that supposed to turn the woman on and so they got a job to do. The more turned on she is, the better lover I am. So this goal orientation sets up an incredible amount of pressure, expectations he puts on himself that he has to be good lover and he has to turn her on. So any kind of expectation inside, any kind of pressure like that is going to -- just even that it is the subtle pressure, will just throw him off his coordination. So he is not fully as connected to himself not fully in the now, not fully present with the partner. It can actually trigger so much pressure that for a man, he could even have a difficulty with an erection, and for most people impotency, when it is not physiologically based, it is emotionally based. That there is simply too much pressure that the person is carrying on inside and that is what is throwing them off their natural rhythm. Even a premature ejaculation comes from coming in to the situation way too sexually loaded, way too many needs showing up; pressure is showing up with all that -- it overtakes the whole experience, they are no longer connected to you, they are overwhelmed by the imagination that, the anticipation that is been so highly aroused. So they can not be present, they can not fully experience, they are overloaded with so much pressure of their own emotional needs. Same thing whenever a person is emotional needy in sex, they cannot be connected to you, it is all coming, the need overshadows the whole experience. Sexual need can do the same, a man who is really sexually needing sex that need again overtakes the whole innocence of the moment and it even can develop into a sort of an aggressiveness, entitlement of taking here, pinching here, grabbing there, pushing there so that there is no sense of attuning to the unfoldment of lovemaking that goes on.

    So all of these things in lovemaking does not show up, you do not see that kind of pressure when people learn to do pure lovemaking. You do not see premature ejaculation becoming a problem, you do not see that sense of unable to get an erection when you fully can relax into the now, connect to what you are really experiencing, attune to your partner that all flows effortlessly, moves into these more refined energies and more fulfilling experience together. Pressures also interfere with the woman s experience, there is a sense with women from an early age that they want to be a turn on for man, they want to please the man, they want him to feel like they are good lovers and all that creates a subtle pressure in the woman, just it partly stay up in her head, how am I doing? How is it going here? Should I do this? Do I need to do this? All that gets in the way of her just completely relaxing into the experience, emerging into the moment by moment, unfoldment of these energies. The whole pace of it can be affected. For men because there is a sense of wanting to get the woman turned on, it affects his pace he wants to really get things moving, let s get it up and going here, let s go for the gusto. When she is hot and turned on that is the goal and so let me start really pushing forward, he start to have the sense of going with where the payoff is, doing this, let s go to this, let s go to this because that is where he gets the big payoff. His other things do not get him much of the payoff, so he tends to skip them and goes right to the erogenous zones, and immediately aggressively tries to turn her on. Immediately again, takes him out of the now, he is not present with each moment by moment experience and for the woman it puts a pressure on her to try to keep up, to try to stay present with what is happening and it is not easy to do because It is going so fast, he is trying to get me turned on, I want to be responsive to his needs. For some women, it develops a lack of coordination so they start unable to really lubricate fully and so it becomes a difficulty for them in lovemaking, pure lovemaking where there is no pressure at all lubrication is not a problem, even for women who have been through menopause, there is a sense of really feeling emotionally safe and can really relax and when you do, your body responds just like with the man. So with women there is a sense of expectations, trying to be a good lover, trying to turn him on, trying to be responsive in the way that he wants to all that creates a doing an activity that overshadows the sublime, the innocence of just letting go into the experience merging into the experience, letting it connect to the core of your being and reverberate out. That is the woman s nature that is how the woman makes love, but these pressures tend to throw her out of that. So any kind of pressures you feel in the relationship sexually, that are going to make it even now harder and they tend to come from having this mutual understanding that there is a goal here, that I need to get you turned on and you as a woman responding that I need to be a good turn on and all that provides so much activity that the whole thing becomes a big production, a performance and misses, overshadows something far richer that is available.