Is there an instant chemistry?

    Published: 06-16-2009
    Views: 25,061
    Relationship expert Gloria MacDonald discusses how to know if there’s instant chemistry between your partner.

    Gloria MacDonald

    Gloria MacDonald is the founder and President of Perfect Partners, The Personal Relationship Executive Search Firm, a highly successful, personalized matchmaking service. Gloria has interviewed hundreds and hundreds of single men and women and has introduced over 1500 couples. She is an expert in the field of dating and relationships, having appeared on a variety of TV and radio shows. She’s the co-author of the highly acclaimed book Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40. She believes, and has seen through her work, that there is a perfect partner for anyone of us who truly desires to find that relationship, believes they can have it, and are willing to accept it. Gloria is an engaging and dynamic speaker and trainer who changes lives. Testimonials from people who have attended Gloria’s seminars: “Gloria uses her exceptional knowledge of real world dating and her unique and exciting style to inspire women to not give up. Truly a wonderful presenter. I would highly recommend anything she does now and in the future.” “This is the information single women and men have been waiting for.” “A truly engaging seminar. You are obviously an expert on the topic. Your knowledge, compassion, sensitivity and forthrightness was spiced with humour to create a clean and practical approach to relationship success.” “Attending your seminar has truly been an inspiration. YOU ARE AN AMAZING TRAINER!”

    Is there an instant chemistry?

    Sometimes there is instant chemistry. Lots of us have had that whether or just fire-works and sparks and, Wow! This person is great and sometimes that works out in a long run. But we have also, lots of us have also had experiences where there were all those fire-works and sparks and you had a hot and heavy romance for maybe six or eight weeks and then it fizzled out. There is an interesting study done by two psychologists in New York both university professors I believe and they created a speed dating environment. They actually have weekly speed dating events and one of the things that they did differently from normal speed dating and they were doing this because they were, they had a study that they were doing.

    Before someone went to the speed dating event, they had to fill out a form and a list of things that they were looking for in the person and then they would go to the speed dating and there was a fascinating one particular example that's being given where let s call this woman Jane. She has a list of things she is looking for in a man, intelligent, hardworking, ethical, honest, all those types of things and Jane goes to the speed dating and she meets 15 or so men and the one that she is really attracted to and he is really attracted to her, is great.

    So, fine, so Jane says she is attracted to this man and this man agrees. So, the next day, part of the speed dating processes, you have to fill out a form again, the day after the speed dating that says the list of the qualities you are looking for in the man. Well, what they found through this study and was proven with Jane, Jane met this man the night before who actually, didn t fall into any of the categories of things she thought she was looking for.

    So, the next day when Jane fills out that list of the qualities she is looking for in someone, interesting, but the list changes and they match the man that she met last night where there was all this instant chemistry but the man she met last night with all the instant chemistry didn t have any of those initial qualities that she was looking for and then, through the process of this study they have the participants fill out the same form 30 days later after their speed dating event of what the qualities are that they are looking for in a potential partner.

    So, 30 days later, Jane s list of qualities goes back to her initial list. So, her relationship with, let s call him John, didn t really go anywhere, but there was tons of instant chemistry between both Jane and John. Now, clearly sometimes instant chemistry works in some and there is a lasting relationship, but not always and probably more often not than having a long term relationship.

    Now, the interesting thing about this list that the psychologists have the participants fill out in terms of what they are looking for in someone is that those lists all come from our conscious brain. There are things that we think about and we say, Gee, Yes. Of course, I want someone who is intelligent, I want someone who is trustworthy, someone who is faithful, someone who has a great sense of humor, someone who is fun loving, but they are all coming from the conscious mind but then, why is it that those list don t match that instant chemistry?

    Well, the instant chemistry that comes from that speed dating environment is what comes from the sub-conscious mind. So, when Jane saw John, what she saw in John were patterns, sub-conscious patterns that she recognized, that were familiar for her, that sent off signals to her that said, Yes, this is a great guy. So, the problem with the list that we create for ourselves is they are coming from the conscious brain and then the problem we have with that instant chemistry is it is coming from the unconscious mind.

    So, we are coming from two different places and trying to setup the same test and the same parameters from two different places and it just doesn t work. So, at the end of the day, our final decisions should be based on the combination of the conscious mind and the unconscious mind.